The Only Way Out, Is Through
⚠️ NSFW: Implied nudity and emotional honesty that might make you squidgy ⚠️
I’d heard that phrase a million times, by a variety of people. The only way out, is through. For a long time, I tried to literally logic my way into understanding what that meant. Despite slowly evolving, I have lived most of my life using my very visceral feelings as a conduit to indulge myself and stew in the existential pain of being human. To have someone recently talk to me about the difference between pain as a byproduct of being profoundly human, and enduring pain (suffering) that we place onto ourselves by failing to cope with the — very normal — pain, was mind blowing.
This led to the bigger realization that I’ve spent a lifetime actually avoiding my pain/discomfort/inner truth, instead of looking it in the face. How could I, as one of the most emotional people I know, be so out of touch with myself?
Turns out, I wasn’t actually “processing” my garbage when I was going out of my way to suppress and avoid everything in the name of being a bigger person.
TURNS OUT…
That finding a reason, salve, justification, or something to blame instead of sitting in the pool of spicy human feeling, isn’t actually processing them. Apparently I’m late to the party. I mentioned in an Instagram post the other day, that to be human is to be hardwired to avoid pain. It’s a normal response to overwhelming stimuli to run headfirst away from the source of pain. But what I didn’t realize was that I didn’t have to literally run away to be avoiding it.
Being the hero in someone else’s story, was avoiding it.
Being a martyr for everything/everyone except for myself, was avoiding it.
Being pissed off, at everything, was avoiding it.
Being a person who went out of my way to keep myself busy enough to not have the time or energy to affront what was happening inside, was avoiding it.
So — with help — I offered myself the suggestion of just allowing myself to feel. Free from judgment, from trying to make it go away, from trying to find a reason to understand why, from trying to find a solution. What would happen if I just allowed the discomfort, the pain, the joy, the love, the energy just flow through me instead of slapping up barriers at every turn?
What. A. Concept.
As you an imagine, this was uncomfortable at first. I will also be the first to admit that I still fail at this regularly. But, what I’ve observed through personal experience is that when I sink into it, instead of away from it, my experience dealing with everything is much, much easier.
What I’ve also observed is that … we live our lives by a metric fuck ton of rules. A lot of which are totally arbitrary and strange when you really think about them. Doing this human thing is discovering what serves you and what needs to be left behind. This includes narratives, but also humans and past selves. Everything serves a purpose, and is here to teach us something, but not everything is meant to remain. Here’s what I’ve learned while attempting to sit through the discomfort instead of pushing away.
The binary benefits no one. Opposing feelings can and do exist in the same space, and not only that, they change, evolve, and move over time. There aren’t two boxes, there’s just a whole lot of grey.
The “big” feelings doesn’t last as long. Turns out when you refuse to acknowledge something it just get bigger, after allowing myself the space to perceive free from expectation, the feeling of it being too overwhelming passed quicker, and then I was able to launch into rational action.
One single event doesn’t define us as humans. Despite feeling like this single happening is going to be the reason for entry or denial at the pearly gates, we are the sum of our actions. Indeed an imperfect species, recognizing our feelings as profoundly human takes the need to chastise ourselves away.
When you lean into your shit, instead of actively doing everything in your power to run from it, you’ll find that the hard things are our best teachers.
Somethings things just have to be, instead of in motion. Sometimes there isn’t an answer. Sometimes, there isn’t a reason. Sometimes … things just are. And this one, was the hardest realization of the all. But … realizing that I can’t control ALL of it, somehow gave me permission to control none of it.
So yeah. The only way out is through. I swear to fuck. The only way out … is to feel it. All of it. I promise, you’ll thank me.
